Agni and Simoon fan fiction by me!

Agni and Simoon
Loading_File


I was out hunting the wild boars around my small town when someone whispered to me from the woods... "Run, if you know what's good for you..." As I begin to run back to the town church to get help, a bunch of arrows fly out of the woods, I look forward to see my friend Agni running to the church, he was in his hunting gear. "What are you doing, who are those people!?" He hands me a iron sword "they're bandits." "Bandits?" I yell, them all of a sudden a horde of rotten fleshed beings come running through the town, eating everyone in there way. "We've got to get out of Portsmouth, now!" The people start attacking townspeople, Agni takes his blade and begins to slice through the invaders, as his sword begins to light enemies on fire, I take my sword and start launching the attackers.. "Let's run to the ice highway, we'll run to Paluster.." We get into a full sprint, after awhile, we get to the barren chunk of ice that is Paluster.

"We'll be safe here for now, we must hurry.. They'll be hunting us." We asked the locals if we could have food and told them to evacuate town. We went up the ice river and found the mineshaft the Paluster citizens work at, we went it to get heal bows, we left barely with out lives, the guards weren't the nicest..

We ended up hearing screaming behind us, so we took off as fast as possible. We had enough food to get to Frostbain.. Agni's home, it's also where fathers tomb is, he told me to wait outside, he went into a hole in the floor, and later he came into the cathedral I was waiting in, he was wearing something I've never seen, he said it was the "oni mask" it was our fathers when he fought with the original kings and queens of the land, Agni also a shotbow, as I hear crashing in the woods, "it's time to go."

We went out of Frostbain toward the waterfall where Thorns lives, she greater us at her cave entrance. She was holding diamond swords for us, as the bandits come into her cave. She tells us to hide, we hid in the well. Suddenly, crashing.. The bandits blew the cave down on top of Thorn.... That was four months ago.

We forever called the cave "cave of the dead lady," we put her valued helmet in her storage chest, on top of the statue we built in her honor. We're now at a weird tree village, the people here are extremely friendly, they've given us enough apples to survive us until the next millennium. Agni and I got the town together, they all had iron armor and diamond swords. We went to fight the enemy..

We started with over ninety people.. We're down to fifty-one. That was a day ago, we're taking the defensive, we're allying with the mercenary bands in the gravel lands. We're 150 strong now, the enemy won't stop coming... We came up with an amazing idea, we get them to all run across the bridge and take the bridge down...

Over a loud speaker "Agni Ignis and Simoon Ignis, our ancestors murdered your father in cold blood so many years ago.. We will do the same with you." As the bridge falls.

Agni and I left the townspeople in the gravel and tree land region and went to the coliseum. I left my sword in a dungeon, so only the greatest of warriors shall receive it.. Until the next fight... In the tower, we reside.

First off, this is not canon in the slightest, and isn't even close at all. You also seem afraid to include any sort of specific detail, and thus your story moves way to fast and doesn't always make too much sense.
Next, although this is less of a problem your grammar could do with some improvement. (hint hint, its 3 periods, not 2...)
Back to what is canon or not, from what I understand of the official lore, Agni is a god while Simoon was his warrior priest. (confirmation on the exact details between them would be helpful)
You give us no reason to care about the protagonists, and you don't do a very good job of telling us the situation before you launch the fanfic into a vague battle on Paulester. Once again the details are what really brings this down a few notches in quality; some examples of details that would have gone a long way are: Why are there bandits? How did the characters get there? Why should we want to continue reading? When did this occur? Why do people want to hunt Agni and Simoon?

My $0.02

Thank you for the help.

dude u 0bv1ously d1d n0t r4ad th1s 0rth1s

w1at t1ll th3 3lite r1t3rs s33 th1s

th3y gonna b4sh ur h3ad

bro dis dunn be call o' duty...

@Poopy_Girl

It's funny that you think you're being satirical or ironic or something and that you're going to get people's support by walking into other people's threads and throwing a relatively calm hissy fit about everything in the world that's been unfair. The fact is that I've brought up valid arguments and you've done nothing but bitch about them like you're entitled to boundless support and appreciation for making little to no effort with anything.

I find it even more ironic that the thread you actually created is the only one you haven't gotten pissy about me on. I assume it's because no one chewed your threads to bits. You antagonize me and my peers as though I'm wrong, and then sit around accepting everything we say in your own thread in hopes of keeping balance as though you're walking a fine line and threaten to tip the scale. My criticism is not an on/off switch, it happens all the time, and my attitude adjusts to respond in kind to the attitude of the writer at the time. To put it simply: If you write like writing doesn't matter, I'm going to treat you like YOU don't matter.

Quit your bitching, you're speaking out of your ass on topic that you don't even have the slightest semblance of understanding or appreciation for. I don't need to be here criticizing people, but I CHOOSE to do so to help people. You don't need to be here, and there's really no reason for you to be right now.

So my point is...

*ahem*

seems familiar from somewhere...
jus' cant put my finger on it.



oh yeah this is where...

Ignoring the flame war between Poopy_Girl and steels, I'm with nutty on this (You guys always beat me to these threads) Add more details. The Pauluster mine was a good example. What did they actually do inside? Why did the guards try to kill them? Why are they being assaulted by bandits 24/7? Things like that would make the story a lot more interesting, and people would be more likely to read more chapters of it.

I feel like too many people want to try and argue with steels or make something funny when it isn't generally fun, instead it is just sad about what the thread is about (No offence to you Loading_File).

Actually it's confirmed that Simoon is the god of wind.

I am fairly certain that *this* was written before the lore-blocks were implemented...

also, dat necro.